Is The Room really, as Entertainment Weekly called it, “the Citizen Kane of bad movies”?

Pretty much, yeah.

But that doesn’t mean it’s not enjoyable. Quite the opposite, really. Read on and learn how to participate!

Stuff to yell at the screen:

“Spoon!”

Nearly all of the artwork in the film features spoons. Whenever one of the works appears on screen, you yell “Spoon!” and hurl plastic picnic spoons at the screen. Fourth row from the screen essentially makes the whole project self-replenishing, because most spoons land there. You literally throw a handful and another handful falls in your lap. It’s like being part of a plastic-cutlery salmon migration. As the film trudges on, people start throwing spoons out of boredom, even if the scene doesn’t require it.

Spoon!

“Sestosterone!”

You can pretty much yell it any time lost Brawny Quilted Picker-Upper spokesman Greg Sestero is on screen. It is particularly fitting when he’s about to be manly about something.

Sestosterone!

“Cancer!”

Lisa’s mother alludes to having it once and then never mentions it again. Also, when she touches Lisa on the nose, some people shout “I put my evil inside you!”

“Hi, Denny!”

Used to herald the arrival of the tragic kidult. Also, every time Denny leaves the scene, it is proper to shout “Goodbye, Denny!”

Hi, Denny!

“One!” “Two!”… (counting bff allusions)

Sestero’s character alludes to being Tommy’s best friend between five and seven times in the movie. The number is uncertain because whenever he alludes to it, everyone yells out which number they think it is. Usually, people are hammered enough that by “Three!” or “Four!”, two-thirds of the theater has no idea, or thinks they have fallen ahead or behind.

“FOCUS! UNFOCUS!!”

The film is constantly going in and out of focus. (“Damn you Todd Barron!” He’s the director of photography, and that’s what you shout when his credit pops up) Whenever the film goes out of focus, people shout “Focus!” Of course, when it does come back into focus during a sex scene, it is necessary to shout “Oh God. Unfocus!”

“Shoot her!”

Yelled during Lisa’s protracted neck-twitch scene. (It’s a reference to the opening of Jurassic Park.) Also appropriate: “Quaid, get to the reactor!”

Yelling “‘Cause you’re a woman!” after pretty much anything that regards a female character.

Started off as a dig at the film’s casual misogyny (there are half a dozen places where it works and is hilarious), but quickly spiraled into a non sequitur that can be dumped after anything. It is the Room equivalent of adding “in bed” to a fortune-cookie fortune. Every time I watch it, I am forced to ask myself: “Who is the woman that broke Tommy’s heart? Who is the evil bitch responsible for this movie?”

Things to yell over B-roll (that is, shots or scenes not involving characters):

“Alcatraz!”

For Alcatraz, or anything framed with bars

“Go! Go! Go! Go!”

Used to cheer on tracking shots of the bridge. Celebrate when it makes it all the way across the bridge. Express your disappointment when it doesn’t.

“Everywhere you look, everywhere you look!”

Sung over houses that look like the ones from the opening of Full House.

“Meanwhile, back in San Francisco!”

Whenever a shot uses the iconography of the city to verify that, yes, we have not left San Francisco.

Go! Everywhere! Meanwhile...

Things to do:

Saying “Hi” to Tommy when he appears to look down at the corner of the screen during the party scene. This entails running down to the screen and hanging out toward the bottom-right-hand corner and then shouting as his eyes acknowledge you.

As Denny eats the apple which might be the most heavy-handed and irrelevant action in the film, I enjoy shouting “Oh, shit! Metaphor!” (Seriously, just what the hell is eating the apple supposed to signify? That Denny has given in to temptation? What temptation? What the hell does Denny giving in to temptation have to do with anything?)

When the characters throw the football back and forth, you do the same thing with your friend(s). Since you are drunk and in a darkened movie theater, this usually goes awry. One of my friends accidentally beaned Tommy this way. Another time, someone hit the screen and the theater ownership got pissed.

At one point, two characters will show up in Tommy’s apartment. They will be fucking. No one will know who they are, thus it is appropriate to shout “Who the fuck are you?” whenever they appear onscreen.

It is also appropriate to shout this when the actor playing Peter (the psychologist) disappears (maybe he was looking at the camera too much?), only to be replaced by another actor who looks nothing like him. Yes, just “Who the fuck are you?”

Tommy’s deranged giggle, which he delivers at inappropriate moments (“He beat her up so bad, she wound up in a hospital on Guerro St.” “HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”) should be mocked mercilessly.

“The Seventh-Inning Stretch” is what we call the longest of the film’s gratuitous sex scenes. This is where you piss/smoke/stage a mock walk out. Pros know it’s coming and beat the traffic.

Singing along to “You Are My Rose” and lifting one’s phone/lighter. Let’s not forget that we are all part of the same wave of undeniable good. A friend noted that they should’ve used “You Are My Rose” instead of “Hallelujah” in Watchmen.

You Are My Rose.

On that note, breaking into the “Yes We Can!” chant sometimes works, especially after Tommy’s speech about “If everybody loved each other, the world would be a better place.” This chant started during the election and has continued since. I like to think that’s it one of those rare moments where irony and sincerity collide, neither quite dominating the other.

Being open about one’s revulsion during any of the sex scenes. Includes graphically describing the act and hurling the cruelest jokes about the actors’ bodies/movements that one can conceive. Breaking into the Free Willy theme is sometimes done. Notice how it looks like Tommy is fucking her belly button? Yeah, you’re doing it wrong!

You got all that? Okay, then.

“Enjoy.”

CUT

If you think The Room is funny in film form, wait until you see it in dubstep music video remix form.

The Room returns to the Mayfair November 20.

Courtesy of newgrounds.com, The Room Tribute game is online! Check it out here: http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/547307

It’ll tear you apart!

And don’t miss the 1 year anniversary screening of The Room on Saturday September 18 at 11:45pm.

A MODEST PROPOSAL

from the Mayfair Theatre

Ottawa’s oldest surviving independent cinema follows example of Roger Greenberg and Ottawa Sports and Entertainment Group (OSEG) and requests a 30-year cinema monopoly

In an interview this morning, Ottawa Sports and Entertainment Group (OSEG) member Roger Greenberg spoke eloquently about the potential impact of unfairly subsidized competition on his business.

We at the Mayfair Theatre feel for Mr. Greenberg and his partners, because, with a taxpayer-subsidized plan to build a new multi-screen cinema at Lansdowne recently revealed, we know exactly what he’s facing. So when he suggests that the only way to deal with the threat of potential competition is to prevent it by negotiating a monopoly with the City of Ottawa, we couldn’t agree more.

In fact, we would like to follow his example. After reviewing some of the details of the proposed deal between the City of Ottawa and OSEG, we would like to suggest that the City sign a similar agreement with the Mayfair, one that stipulates:

• The City of Ottawa will not subsidize or otherwise support the building of a cinema that competes with the Mayfair, anywhere within the city limits.
• If any new cinema is built with the support of the City of Ottawa, the partners of Mayfair Theatre will have the first chance to lease the space. A competitive process will not be allowed.
• Further, if the City of Ottawa supports building any new cinema, the Mayfair partners will also have the right to terminate their current lease, and the City (and its taxpayers) will assume all operational costs and responsibilities, and any debts remaining.

This agreement would remain in force for 30 years.

Oh, and if the city could reduce our rent to $1 per year for the same term (30 years) and pass all our building and renovation expenses along to taxpayers (we humbly agree to cap those expenses at $129,000,000.00), while allowing us to keep any and all profits, that would be great, too.

To echo Mr. Greenberg, “It stands to reason from our perspective that if a new cinema is erected by the city, with the limited number of movies that could possibly come to a cinema, it would have a very detrimental effect on the existing cinema, and that would affect both ourselves and the city.”

As taxpayers, we are partners in OSEG’s venture, and to quote Mr. Greenberg directly, “you would not want your own partner to go out and to create a competitive situation somewhere else.”

Amen, Mr. Greenberg. Amen.

On behalf of the cast and crew of the Mayfair Theatre, and in solidarity with the brave, beleaguered members of OSEG,

Lee Demarbre

Ian Driscoll

Petr Maur

Josh Stafford

Learn more about OSEG’s 30-year monopoly deal here:

http://www.ottawacitizen.com/sports/Lansdowne+proposal+gives+developers+year+monopoly+stadium/3200107/story.html

and here:

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/ottawa/story/2010/06/24/lansdowne-stadium-football-monopoly.html

If you’d like to let city council know how you feel about OSEG and the Lansdowne deal, or to propose your own monopoly, why not email them right now? Just copy and paste these addresses:

Georges.Bedard@ottawa.ca; Michel.Bellemare@ottawa.ca; Rainer.Bloess@ottawa.ca; Glenn.Brooks@ottawa.ca; Rick.Chiarelli@ottawa.ca; Alex.Cullen@ottawa.ca; Diane.Deans@ottawa.ca; Steve.Desroches@ottawa.ca; Clive.Doucet@ottawa.ca; Eli.El-Chantiry@ottawa.ca; Peggy.Feltmate@ottawa.ca; Jan.Harder@ottawa.ca; Diane.Holmes@ottawa.ca; Peter.Hume@ottawa.ca; Gord.Hunter@ottawa.ca; Rob.Jellett@ottawa.ca; Kitchissippi@ottawa.ca; Jacques.Legendre@ottawa.ca; Maria.Mcrae@ottawa.ca; Bob.Monette@ottawa.ca; Doug.Thompson@ottawa.ca;Shad.Qadri@ottawa.ca; Marianne.Wilkinson@ottawa.ca; Larry.OBrien@ottawa.ca
Cut.

Since we started our regular Participaction screenings of the film several months ago, audiences have grown and grown. Inexplicably, Ottawa wants more The Room! So, when Tommy offered us a couple of cases of The Room bobbleheads, we had to say, “Spoon!”

Uh, I mean, we had to say, “yes.”

The bobblheads arrived today, and they’re going on sale at the Mayfair asap.

He speaks! He nods! He’s made in China! He’s a better actor than the real Tommy Wiseau!

(See him in action here: The Room Bobblehead.)

So next time you come to the Mayfair, bring some extra cash, because starting today, for only $25, you can bring the star of The Room back to your room!

Cut.

When we asked them how the bustin’ made them feel, they replied simply, “Good.”

For a more in-depth look at their visit to the Mayfair, check out their site: CrossTheStreams.net

(And feel free to show up in costume yourself, any time, for any film. Tuxedos for Bond? Zombie makeup for Zone of the Dead? Chain mail for Lord of the Rings? Valentino for Valentino? Why not?)

Cut.

Pretty much, yeah.

But that doesn’t mean it’s not enjoyable. Quite the opposite, really. Read on, and discover how to make the best of the worst.

Stuff to yell at the screen:

“Spoon!”

Nearly all of the artwork in the film features spoons. Whenever one of the works appears on screen, you yell “Spoon!” and hurl plastic picnic spoons at the screen. Fourth row from the screen essentially makes the whole project self-replenishing, because most spoons land there. You literally throw a handful and another handful falls in your lap. It’s like being part of a plastic-cutlery salmon migration. As the film trudges on, people start throwing spoons out of boredom, even if the scene doesn’t require it.

“Sestosterone!”

You can pretty much yell it any time lost Brawny Quilted Picker-Upper spokesman Greg Sestero is on screen. It is particularly fitting when he’s about to be manly about something.

“Cancer!”

Lisa’s mother alludes to having it once and then never mentions it again. Also, when she touches Lisa on the nose, some people shout “I put my evil inside you!”

“Denny!”

Used to herald the arrival of the tragic kidult. Also, every time Denny leaves the scene, it is proper to shout “Goodbye, Denny!”

“One!” “Two!”… (counting bff allusions)

Sestero’s character alludes to being Tommy’s best friend between five and seven times in the movie. The number is uncertain because whenever he alludes to it, everyone yells out which number they think it is. Usually, people are hammered enough that by “Three!” or “Four!”, two-thirds of the theater has no idea, or thinks they have fallen ahead or behind.

“FOCUS! UNFOCUS!!”

The film is constantly going in and out of focus. (“Damn you Todd Barron!” He’s the director of photography, and that’s what you shout when his credit pops up) Whenever the film goes out of focus, people shout “Focus!” Of course, when it does come back into focus during a sex scene, it is necessary to shout “Oh God. Unfocus!”

“Shoot her!”

Yelled during Lisa’s protracted neck-twitch scene. (It’s a reference to the opening of Jurassic Park.) Also appropriate: “Quaid, get to the reactor!”

Yelling “‘Cause you’re a woman!” after pretty much anything that regards a female character.

Started off as a dig at the film’s casual misogyny (there are half a dozen places where it works and is hilarious), but quickly spiraled into a non sequitur that can be dumped after anything. It is the Room equivalent of adding “in bed” to a fortune-cookie fortune. Every time I watch it, I am forced to ask myself: “Who is the woman that broke Tommy’s heart? Who is the evil bitch responsible for this movie?”

Things to yell over B-roll (that is, shots or scenes not involving characters):

“Alcatraz!”

For Alcatraz, or anything framed with bars

“Go! Go! Go! Go!”

Used to cheer on tracking shots of the bridge. Celebrate when it makes it all the way across the bridge. Express your disappointment when it doesn’t.

“Everywhere you look, everywhere you look!”

Sung over houses that look like the ones from the opening of Full House.

“Meanwhile, back in San Francisco!”

Whenever a shot uses the iconography of the city to verify that, yes, we have not left San Francisco.

Things to do:

Saying “Hi” to Tommy when he appears to look down at the corner of the screen during the party scene. This entails running down to the screen and hanging out toward the bottom-right-hand corner and then shouting as his eyes acknowledge you.

As Denny eats the apple which might be the most heavy-handed and irrelevant action in the film, I enjoy shouting “Oh, shit! Metaphor!” (Seriously, just what the hell is eating the apple supposed to signify? That Denny has given in to temptation? What temptation? What the hell does Denny giving in to temptation have to do with anything?)

When the characters throw the football back and forth, you do the same thing with your friend(s). Since you are drunk and in a darkened movie theater, this usually goes awry. One of my friends accidentally beaned Tommy this way. Another time, someone hit the screen and the theater ownership got pissed.

At one point, two characters will show up in Tommy’s apartment. They will be fucking. No one will know who they are, thus it is appropriate to shout “Who the fuck are you?” whenever they appear onscreen.

It is also appropriate to shout this when the actor playing Peter (the psychologist) disappears (maybe he was looking at the camera too much?), only to be replaced by another actor who looks nothing like him. Yes, just “Who the fuck are you?”

Tommy’s deranged giggle, which he delivers at inappropriate moments (“He beat her up so bad, she wound up in a hospital on Guerro St.” “HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”) should be mocked mercilessly.

“The Seventh-Inning Stretch” is what we call the longest of the film’s gratuitous sex scenes. This is where you piss/smoke/stage a mock walk out. Pros know it’s coming and beat the traffic.

Singing along to “You Are My Rose” and lifting one’s phone/lighter. Let’s not forget that we are all part of the same wave of undeniable good. A friend noted that they should’ve used “You Are My Rose” instead of “Hallelujah” in Watchmen.

On that note, breaking into the “Yes We Can!” chant sometimes works, especially after Tommy’s speech about “If everybody loved each other, the world would be a better place.” This chant started during the election and has continued since. I like to think that’s it one of those rare moments where irony and sincerity collide, neither quite dominating the other.

Being open about one’s revulsion during any of the sex scenes. Includes graphically describing the act and hurling the cruelest jokes about the actors’ bodies/movements that one can conceive. Breaking into the Free Willy theme is sometimes done. Notice how it looks like Tommy is fucking her belly button? Yeah, you’re doing it wrong!

You got all that?
Okay, then. Enjoy!